12 WAY
Self-esteem is your child's
passport to lifetime mental health and social happiness
It's the foundation of a child's
well-being and the key to success as an adult. At all ages, how you feel about
yourself affects how you act. Think about a time when you were feeling really
good about yourself. You probably found it much easier to get along with others
and feel good about them.
Self-image is how one perceives
oneself
The child looks in the mirror and
likes the person he sees. He looks inside himself and is comfortable with the
person he sees. He must think of this self as being someone who can make things
happen and who is worthy of love. Parents are the main source of a child's
sense of self-worth.
Lack of a good self-image very
often leads to behavior problems
Most of the behavioral problems
that I see for counseling come from poor self-worth in parents as well as
children. Why is one person a delight to be with, while another always seems to
drag you down? How people value themselves, get along with others, perform at
school, achieve at work, and relate in marriage, all stem from strength of
their self-image.
Healthy self-worth doesn't mean
being narcissistic or arrogant;
it means having a realistic
understanding of one's strengths and weaknesses, enjoying the strengths and
working on the problem areas. Because there is such a strong parallel between
how a person feels about himself and how a person acts, helping your child
build self-confidence is vital to discipline.
Throughout life your child will be
exposed to positive influences builders and negative influences breakers.
Parents can expose their child to more builders and help him work through the
breakers.
1.
PRACTICE ATTACHMENT PARENTING
Put yourself in the place of a baby
who spends many hours a day in a caregiver's arms, is worn in a sling,
breastfed on cue, and her cries are sensitively responded to. How do you
imagine this baby feels?
This baby feels loved; this baby
feels valuable. Ever had a special day when you got lots of strokes and
showered with praise? You probably felt like queen for a day and hopefully you
behaved accordingly. The infant on the receiving end of this high-touch style
of parenting develops self-worth. She likes what she feels.
Responsiveness is the key to infant
self-value. Baby gives a cue, for example, crying to be fed or comforted. A
caregiver responds promptly and consistently. As this cue-response pattern is
repeated many hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times during the first year baby
learns that her cues have meaning: "Someone listens to me, therefore, I am
worthwhile." A stronger self emerges.
Of course, you can't always respond
promptly or consistently. It's the predominant pattern that counts. You will
have days when you are short on patience. Babies pick out the prevailing
parenting style and form impressions. As baby gets older it becomes important
for him to learn how to deal with healthy frustration, as this will teach him
to adjust to change. The important thing is that you are there for him; that's
the message on which baby builds his sense of self.
The confidence-building aspects
that result from attachment-parenting pay off especially with high-need babies.
Because of these infants' more intense demands, they are at higher risk of
receiving negative responses. When attachment parenting produces mutual
sensitivity between connected parents and high-need babies, they learn to see
themselves in a good light.
Because of responsive nurturing,
the connected baby knows what to expect. On the other hand, the disconnected
child is confused. If his needs are not met and his cues unanswered, he feels
that signals are not worth giving. This leads to the conclusion that "I'm
not worthwhile. I'm at the mercy of others, and there's nothing I can do to
reach them."
We emphasize the importance of
early nurturing because during the first two years the baby's brain is growing
very fast. This is the period when a baby develops patterns of associations –
mental models of the way things work. The developing infant's mind is like a
file drawer. In each file is a mental picture of a cue she gives along with the
response she expects. After a certain interaction, the baby stores a mental
image of what happened. For example, baby raises her arms and a parent responds
by picking her up. Repetition deepens these patterns in the infant's mind, and
eventually emotions, positive or negative, become associated with them. A file
drawer full of mostly positive feelings and images leads to a feeling of
"rightness." Her sense of "well-being" becomes part of
baby's self.
Infants who get used to the feeling
of well-being they get from attachment parenting spend the rest of their lives
striving to keep this feeling. Because they have so much practice at feeling
good, they can regain this right feeling after temporary interruptions. These
secure infants cope better with life's setbacks because they are motivated to
repair their sense of well-being, which has become integrated into their sense
of self. They may fall down a lot, but they are likely to wind up back on their
feet. This concept is especially true for a child who is handicapped or seems
to come into this world relatively short-changed in natural talents. Children
who do not have this early sense of well-being struggle to find it, but they
are unsure of what they are looking for because they don't know how it feels.
This explains why some babies who get attachment parenting in the early years
manage well despite an unsettled childhood because of family problems. Consider
the famous case of Baby Jessica, the two-year-old who because of a legal quirk
was taken from the familiar and nurturing home of her adoptive parents whom she
had known since birth, and given to her biological parents who were strangers
to her. She is likely to thrive because she entered a strange situation with a
strong sense of well-being created by early nurturing. She will spend the rest
of her life maintaining that feeling despite the trauma she endured.
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Playing catch-up
But what if I didn't practice all
those attachment styles of parenting, you may wonder? Don't be too hard on
yourself. Babies are resilient and, of course, it's never too late to start
building up your child's self-image. Getting to know your child and seeing
things from his point of view will help you help him learn to trust himself.
This kind of nurturing cements together the blocks of self-worth, and can
also repair them. Still, the earlier the cement is applied, the smoother it
goes on and the stronger it sticks.
2.
IMPROVE YOUR OWN SELF-CONFIDENCE
Parenting is therapeutic. In caring
for your child you often heal yourself. A mother with a high-need baby in our
practice once declared, "My baby brings out the best and the worst in
me." If there are problems in your past that affect your present
parenting, confront them. Get psychological help if they are interfering with
your ability to remain calm and parent effectively.
Heal your past
A child's self-esteem is
acquired, not inherited. Certain parenting traits and certain character
traits, such as anger and fearfulness, are learned in each generation. Having
a baby gives you the chance to become the parent you wish you had. If you
suffer from low self-confidence, especially if you feel it's a result of how
you were parented, take steps to heal yourself and break the family pattern. Try
this exercise (therapists call this "passing on the best, and discarding
the rest")
List the specific things your parents did to build your self-image.
List the specific things your parents did to weaken your self-image.
Now resolve to emulate the good things your parents did and avoid the
rest. If you find it difficult to follow through with this exercise on your
own, get help from a professional. Both you and your child will benefit.
Don't be too hard on your
parents
They probably did the best they
could given their circumstances and the prevailing advice of the times. I
remember once hearing a grandmother say to a mother, "I was a good
mother to you. I followed exactly the schedule the doctor gave me." This
new mother felt that some of her present problems stemmed from the rigid
scheduling that she endured when she was a baby. She was determined to learn
to read her baby's cues. I reminded her not to blame her own mother because
the prevailing parenting practice at the time was to follow the
"experts'" advice on childrearing. The mother of the 90's, however,
is more comfortable becoming the expert on her own child.
Polish your mirror
No one can put on a happy face
all the time, but a parent's unhappiness can transfer to a child. Your child
looks to you as a mirror for his own feelings. If you are worried, you can't
reflect good feelings. In the early years, a child's concept of self is so
intimately tied up with the mother's concept of herself that a sort of mutual
self-worth building goes on. What image do you reflect to your child? She
will see through a false facade to the troubled person beneath. Matthew, on a
fill-in-the-blanks tribute to his mother, wrote: "I like being with my
mother most when she's happy." Children translate your unhappiness with
yourself to mean unhappiness with them. Even infants know they are supposed
to please their parents. As they get older, they may even come to feel
responsible for their parents' happiness. If you are not content, they must
not be good (or good enough). If you are experiencing serious problems with
depression or anxiety, seek help so that you can resolve these feelings
before they affect your child.
3. BE
A POSITIVE MIRROR
Much of a child's self-image
comes not only from what the child perceives about herself, but from how she
thinks others perceive her. This is especially true of preschoolers who learn
about themselves from their parents' reactions. Do you reflect positive or
negative images to your child? Do you give her the idea that she's fun to be
with? That her opinions and desires matter to you? That her behavior pleases
you?
When you give your child positive
reflections, he learns to think well of himself. He will also willingly rely
on you to tell him when his behavior is not pleasing. This becomes a
discipline tool. "All I have to do is look at her a certain way, and she
stops misbehaving," said one mother. She had saturated her child's self awareness
with positive feelings, and the youngster was used to the way he felt being
on the receiving end of these strokes. When mother flashed a negative
reflection, the child didn't like the feeling it produced. He changed his
behavior quickly to regain his sense of well-being.
Be realistic
You can't be up and smiling all
the time and still be human. Your child should know that parents have down
days, too. Children can see through fake cheerfulness. Your sensitivity
toward him will increase his sensitivity toward you, and someday he may be
the one lifting your self- confidence.
Putting Humpty-Dumpty Back
Together Again
You spend the early years
building your child's self-confidence. You spend the later years protecting
it. Many thin-skinned children need protection from situations they find
overwhelming. I was examining five-year-old Thomas for his school-entry
physical. Thomas was a sensitive child whose mother had spent years helping
him build a strong sense of self-worth. We were engaged in a philosophical
discussion of the long-term benefits of attachment parenting and Thomas was
understandably bored. He began hanging on my scale—an expensive scale that is
built into the top of the examining table. My first thought was the safety of
my table. To me it was more at risk than Thomas, so I firmly asked,
"Thomas, would you please stop hanging on the scale?" Just as
Thomas was about to crumble from my unintended put-down, his mother
interjected a saving, "...because you're so strong." She knows how
to get behind the eyes of her child.
4.
PLAY WITH YOUR CHILD
You will learn a lot about your
child—and yourself—during play. Playtime gives your child the message
"You are worth my time. You are a valuable person." It is well
known that children learn through play. It improves a child's behavior by
giving him feelings of importance and accomplishment. Instead of viewing
playtime as a chore, use it to make an investment in your child's behavior.
Let your child initiate the
play
A valuable learning principle
that parents should keep in mind is this: an activity initiated by the child
holds the child's attention longer than one suggested by the adult playmate.
More learning takes place when the child chooses what to do. Child-initiated
play also increases self-worth: "Dad likes to do the things I do!"
of course, you may be thinking, "oh no, not the block game again!"
or "We've read that story twenty times!" That's the ordeal of
parenting. You'll get bored with The Cat in the Hat long before your child.
If you want to bring something new to the same old play activity, add your
own new twists as the play continues. Stop to talk about the book: "What
would you do if the Cat in the Hat came to our door?" "Let's turn
this block tower into a parking garage."
Make your child feel special
During play, focus your attention
on the child. If your body is with your child but your mind is at work, your
child will sense that you have tuned out, and neither one of you benefits
from the time together. Your child loses the value of your being with her,
concluding that she is not important. You lose the opportunity to learn about
and enjoy your child—and to relearn how to play. I remember the fun
six-month-old Matthew and I had in our "play circle." I sat him
facing in front of me with a few favorite toys (mine and his) making a circle
around him with my legs. This space contained him and provided support in
case he, as a beginning sitter, started to topple sideways. Matthew had my
undivided attention. He felt special and so did I. Making all those goofy
baby noises is fun.
Parents need play
As a busy person, I had a hard
time getting down to a baby's level enjoying unstructured, seemingly
unproductive play. After all, I had so many "more important" things
on my agenda. Once I realized how much we both could benefit, this special time
became meaningful. Play became therapeutic for me. I needed time away from
some of those other things to focus on this important little person who was,
without realizing it, teaching me to relax. Play helped me to get to know
Matthew's temperament and his capabilities at each stage of development. The
child reveals himself to the parent—and vice versa— during play; the whole
relationship benefits greatly. Playtime puts us on our child's level, helping
parents get behind the eyes and into the mind of their child. Take time to
enjoy the simple pleasures of play.
Play is an investment
Consider playtime one of your
best investments. You may feel that you are "wasting time" stacking
blocks when you could be "doing something" instead. Some adults
panic at the thought and really have to struggle to be able to let go of
their grown-up agenda. Of course, you don't have to play all day long, nor
will your child want you to (unless he senses your resistance!). What may
seem like a meaningless activity to you, means a lot to your baby. The more
interest you show in doing things with your baby early on, the more interest
your child will have in doing things with you when he's older. As your child
grows, you can involve him in your play and your work, since being with you
is the best reward. Think of it this way—you are doing the most important job
in the world—raising a human being.
5.
ADDRESS YOUR CHILD BY NAME
What's in a name? The person, the
self—little or big. I can still remember my grandfather impressing on me the
value of using and remembering peoples' names. This lesson has proved
profitable. One year I was a pre-med student competing with a bunch of
marketing majors for a summer sales job. After I landed the job I inquired
why I, though less qualified, had been hired. "Because you remembered
and used the names of all of your interviewers." Addressing your child
by name, especially when accompanied by eye contact and touch, exudes a
"you're special" message. Beginning an interaction by using the
other person's name opens doors, breaks barriers, and even softens corrective
discipline.
Children learn to associate how
you use their name with the message you have and the behavior you expect.
Parents often use a child's nickname or first name only in casual dialogue,
"Jimmy, I like what you are doing." They beef up the message by
using the full name to make a deeper impression, "James Michael Sears,
stop that!" one child we've heard about refers to his whole name as his
"mad name" because that's what he hears when his parents are angry
at him. We have noticed that children with self-confidence more frequently
address their peers and adults by name or title. Their own self-worth allows
them to be more direct in their communication with others. Our two-year-old
Lauren dashes by my desk chirping: "Hi, Dad!" The addition of
"Dad" impressed me more than an impersonal "Hi!" A
school-age child who is comfortable addressing adults by name will be better
able to ask for help when needed.
6.
PRACTICE THE CARRY-OVER PRINCIPLE
As your child gets older,
encourage her talents. She can do well at something, whether as a
two-year-old who packs exceptional pretend picnics or a ten-year- old who
loves ballet. Over the years, we've noticed a phenomenon we call the
carryover principle: enjoying one activity boosts a child's self-image, and
this carries over into other endeavors. One of our sons is a natural athlete,
but he wasn't interested in academics. Operating on the carryover principle,
we encouraged his enjoyment of athletics while supporting him as he worked on
the academics. The schoolwork improved as his overall self-confidence
increased. Recognize your child's special talents, and help her build on
them, then watch the whole person blossom.
7. SET
YOUR CHILD UP TO SUCCEED
Helping your child develop
talents and acquire skills is part of discipline. If you recognize an ability
in your child that he doesn't, encourage him. Strike a balance between
pushing and protecting. Both are necessary. If you don't encourage your child
to try, his skills don't improve, and you've lost a valuable confidence
builder. If you don't protect your child from unrealistic expectations, his
sense of competence is threatened.
Beware of value-by-comparisons
Children measure their own value
by how they perceive others value them. And in our measuring-and-testing
society, children's skills—and therefore their value—are measured relative to
others. Your child may bat an exceptional .400 on the softball team, but she
will feel inadequate if her teammates are batting .500. Be sure your child
believes you value her because of who she is, not how she performs. Do this
by giving her plenty of eye contact, touching, and focused attention. In
other words, give of yourself regardless of how the game or the achievement
test turns out.
Don't expect your child to excel
in sports or music or academics just because you did. The one thing your
child can excel in is being herself. She must know that your love for her
does not depend on your approval of her performance. That's a tough assignment
for a parent who may have been raised to perform for love and acceptance.
WALL OF FAME
In our Sears' family gallery of
accomplishments, our walls display Hayden's cheerleading trophies, Erin's
horse ribbons, Matthew's Little League pictures, etc. Every child is good at
something. Discover it, encourage it, frame it, and display it. If your home
is missing this wall, your child is missing his moment of fame. If you have a
child who is not athletic, try scouting. With Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts everyone
wins and everyone gets lots of badges. As children walk by their showcase,
they can see at a glance five to ten years of achievement. This gives them a
lift, especially during times when their self-worth is faltering.
8.HELP
YOUR CHILD BE HOME-WISE BEFORE STREET-SMARTS
Sometime during your parenting
career you may run into the idea that a young child should be exposed to
children with different values so that he can choose for himself. This may
sound good, or at least politically correct, but it just plain doesn't work.
It's like sending a ship to sea without a rudder or a captain. Only by chance
will that ship reach a desirable destination. Children are too valuable to be
left to chance.
Screen your child's friends
The child's values and
self-concept are affected by persons of significance in his life— relatives,
coaches, teachers, religious leaders, scout leaders, and friends. It's up to
the parents to screen out those who pull down the child's character and
encourage those that build it. Keep a watchful eye on your child's
friendships. First, let your child choose his own friends and monitor the
relationships. At the end of a play experience examine your child's feelings.
Is he at peace or upset? Are the children compatible? Coupling a passive
person with a strong personality is all right if the stronger child pulls
your child up rather than knocking him down.
While some children will wisely
seek out complimentary playmates on their own, sometimes it is helpful to set
up your child by purposely exposing him to appropriate peers. Some groups of
children just naturally seem to get along well. If your child's group does
not seem to have the right chemistry, it would be wise to intervene. By being
a monitoring mom, Martha was able to come to the rescue of one of our
children who was being intimidated and blackmailed into stealing money from
us. This junior racketeer in the neighborhood was busted because Martha
became suspicious of certain phone calls and listened in one day. Our
frightened seven-year-old was in way over his head and was greatly relieved
when we intervened.
Keep a kid-friendly home
Make your home inviting to your
child's friends. Yes, you will have more messes to clean up, but it's worth
it. Hosting the neighborhood helps you monitor your child; it gives you the
opportunity to observe your child's social style and generally learn more
about your child's personality—which social behaviors are appropriate and
which need improving. You'll be able to make on-the-spot disciplinary
interventions, either with your child in a private lesson or in group therapy
if the whole pack needs some redirecting.
The roots of a young child's
self-concept come from home and nurturing caregivers. After six years of age,
peer influence becomes increasingly important. The deeper the roots of
home-grown self-confidence, the better equipped kids are to interact with
peers in a way that builds up self-worth rather than tearing it down. They
know how to handle peers who are fun to play with and those that give them
problems. When children are attachment parented, they are well equipped to
manage different environments (home, grandparents, preschool, Sunday school)
with different rules very well. For healthy social development, a child first
must be comfortable with himself before he can be comfortable with others.
Clinging to homebase
In normal development a child
moves out from the known into the unknown. She tries out new experiences in
much the same way that an attached infant learns to separate from mother. It
is quite normal for a child to retreat periodically into the comfort of the
known (her home and family) as she progressively ventures into the jungle of
the unknown. It is important for the child to have a strong attachment base.
Being shy does not mean that a child has a poor self-image. She needs an
extra dose of confidence so that she can follow her own inner timetable in
adjusting to new situations and relationships. Parents often wonder what
degree of clinging to homebase is normal. Look at the problem over the course
of an entire year. If you see no change in the child's willingness to venture
out, that may be unhealthy. But if you see some gradual moving out, then your
child is simply a cautious social developer, which is characteristic of
sensitive children, who may form a few meaningful and deep relationships,
rather than numerous superficial ones.
9.
Lose labels
"I'm asthmatic,"
seven-year-old Greg proudly said to me when I inquired why he came to my
office. Indeed, Greg did have asthma, but the physical problem was much
easier to treat than the emotional side effects of his label. A few puffs of
a bronchial dilator and his wheezing cleared, but his label persisted. I
mentioned privately to Greg's mother that there are two issues to address in
any child with a chronic illness: the problem itself, and the child's and family's
reactions to the problem.
Every child searches for an
identity and, when found, clings to it like a trademark.
"Asthmatic" had become Greg's label, and he wore it often. His
whole day revolved around his ailment, and his family focused on this part of
Greg instead of on the whole person. Instead of feeling compassion, Greg's
brothers and sisters had become tired of planning their lives around Greg's
asthma. They couldn't go on certain trips because Greg might get too tired.
It became a family illness, and all, except Greg, were put into roles they
didn't like.
To take away Greg's label would
be to take away Greg's self-esteem. So, we made a deal. I would treat Greg's
asthma; the family would enjoy Greg, and we all worked at giving "the
asthmatic" a healthier label to wear.
10.
MONITOR SCHOOL INFLUENCES ON YOUR CHILD
Schools can be hazardous to a
child's emotional health. School choice (if you have one) needs to be
carefully considered. The connected child who enters the school arena with
peers from various upbringings and degrees of attachment will have a set of
expectations that he may not find at school. Children meet the challenges of
a new social group with different behaviors. If a child is securely attached
to his caregivers and armed with a strong self-image, he may not be disturbed
by these different behaviors. He may stick cheerfully to his own style of
play. Or, he may be frustrated, creating stress on his emerging personality.
If his self-confidence is shaky, a child may view aggressiveness or bullying
as normal and make these behaviors part of himself or allow himself to be
victimized.
Around age six, when your child
begins elementary school, other adults become influential in her life. These
are people who are around your child enough to influence her behavior and
model values. Once upon a time persons of significance in a child's life came
primarily from within the extended family, but in today's mobile society a
child is likely to have a wider variety of peers and persons of significance.
This means that today's parents need to be vigilant as to who is modeling
what behavior to their children. Here is where there is confusion in the
ranks of parents as disciplinarians. There are two extremes. On the one side
are the parents who feel it's healthy for children to experience a lot of
different value systems while growing up so that they will be more
open-minded as adults. On the other side are parents who want to protect
their child from all outside influences and any ideas that may differ from
their own beliefs. This child grows up in a bubble-like atmosphere.
Somewhere between these two
extremes is the right answer for your child. Throwing a child into the
melting pot of diverse values at too young an age, before she has any of her
own values, may produce a child who is so confused that she develops no
conscience and no standing value system. Parents who overprotect may end up
with a child who cannot think for herself, leaving her vulnerable to
challenges or so judgmental that she condemns anyone with different beliefs.
Somewhere in the middle is the parent who grounds the child in a firm value
system and guides her as she encounters other value systems. The child,
because she has a strong value system to begin with, is better able to weigh
her parents' value system against alternatives and develop her own firm code
of values. It may be different from the parents'. It may include many of the
parents' values with a sprinkling of alternatives learned from peers or
teachers. But the important thing is that the child has a value system from
which to operate. He is not a leaf hurried downstream in the river that takes
the path of least resistance, overflows its bounds, and eventually drains
into a large sea of uncertainty. Many children flounder, sometimes for the
rest of their lives, searching for values that should have been formed in
infancy and early childhood.
Parents, don't be misled by the
complacent term "latent" applied to middle childhood. This is not
the time to sleep and get careless. This is the age in which your children
build consciences and learn your value system. In fact, it's the only time in
their entire life when they unquestionably, at least early in that stage,
accept their parents' value system. Slowly they form their own standards
through interaction with peers, other families, and teachers, and through
neighborhood relationships and church/synagogue friendships. They discover a
larger world with a variety of beliefs and behaviors. As they talk
(endlessly) and observe and experiment in a variety of situations, they learn
about how they will choose to act and react. Trying belatedly to impose your
values on a teenager whose main developmental task at this stage is to
identify his own values is difficult. The best way to get your values across
is to "walk your talk" by living your values.
11.
GIVE YOUR CHILD RESPONSIBILITIES
Children need jobs. One of the
main ways children develop self- confidence and internalize values is through
helping maintain the family living area, inside and out. Giving children
household duties helps them feel more valuable, besides channeling their
energy into desirable behavior and teaching skills. Try these tips:
Enter the work force early.
Beginning around age two, children can do small jobs around the house. To
hold a child's interest, choose tasks the child has already shown an interest
in. Our two-year-old, Lauren, had a thing about napkins, so we gave her the
dinnertime job of putting napkins at each place. A mother in our practice
told us: "I couldn't keep our three-year-old away from the vacuum
cleaner. So I gave him the job of vacuuming the family room. He kept busy and
I got some work out of him." Starting between ages two and four, a child
can learn the concept of responsibility to self and to parents and for his
personal belongings. Once he learns a sense of responsibility for these
things, a sense of responsibility to society will come naturally in the next
stage of development.
By three years of age, a child
can be taught to clean sinks and tubs (using a sponge and a small can of
cleanser). Young children love to scrub. Three's and Four's love to sort
laundry into darks and lights. At five, the child can be doing dishes every
night. Teach him exactly how you want them handled (for example, excess food
in the garbage, dishes rinsed, and then put in the dishwasher). Be sure to
use unbreakable cups and plates and put messy pans in the oven to be cleaned
later by an adult.
By seven, a child can be cooking
at least one meal a week from start to finish. Teach him how to fix his
favorite meal and let him learn how to pick out the ingredients at the
market. Encourage school-age children to make their own lunch. Besides giving
them a sense of responsibility for their own nutrition, they are more likely to
eat what they make. Once taught, the child can be left alone in the
kitchen—no hovering mother. Relax and talk to your mate.
Give special jobs
Call a job "special"
and it's more likely to get done. Whatever magical ring the word
"special" has, it sure gets results. Perhaps a child infers that
"I must be special because I get a special job." A four-to
five-year-old can have preassigned chores, with reminders, of course. To put
some order in our busy house we announce: "It's tidy time." Try
assigning one room for each child to tidy up. Children at all ages suffer a
bit of work inertia, especially as tasks wear on and lose their fun appeal.
But sometimes children need to learn that work comes before play. To get them
started, work with them.
Create job charts
Make this a creative activity for
a family meeting. List the jobs to be done, and let each child choose and
rotate if they want. We divide jobs into paying, extra- credit jobs they can
earn money for, and nonpaying or those that are naturally expected of the
children for the privilege of living in our home. Expect to pay a higher
price on the most unwanted jobs. Best is to pay immediately after the work is
responsibly done, since children are immediate-reward oriented. In the next
stage of development, from five to ten years, children can make the
connection that with increasing privileges come responsibilities. When we
decided to get a family cottage, the deal was that Saturday mornings would be
family fix-up time at the cottage, and only after the work was completed
would the recreation begin.
Plant a family garden
Planting a garden teaches
children that they reap what they sow. During our family garden phase, when
our children were younger, we tied in caring for a garden and caring for
them: Water the plants and they grow nicely, keep the weeds away and the
flowers bloom better.
Other jobs boys and girls love
and do well when first taught alongside a parent include: washing the car,
sweeping outdoor living areas and sidewalks, gardening, vacuuming, dusting,
and baby tending. By seven or eight they can put in a load of laundry, and by
ten they can be doing their own laundry. When children have jobs in the home,
not only are parents relieved of some of the busywork, but children feel they
are contributing to a cause. They feel useful and needed. And the energy they
spend on the home becomes an investment they are making into the value system
of that home.
12.
ENCOURAGE CHILDREN To EXPRESS, NOT STUFF, THEIR FEELINGS
Expressing feelings comfortably
does not mean the child is free to explode at every emotional twinge, but
rather develops a comfortable balance between expressing and controlling
feelings. She should eventually be able to keep a lid on her emotions when
needed, but not so tightly that she can't remove the lid in a
"safe" setting, such as exercising (i.e., run like mad to blow off
steam), or with a trustworthy friend. All babies freely express their
feelings. Maturity develops through years of learning how to stay calm in
difficult situations. A child with unbridled emotions becomes a brat. A
person who never expresses emotions becomes too reserved. Too much control or
too much emoting will both produce problems in adult life.
Stuffing feelings doesn't do any
good for the child, the parents, or the relationship. It tells the child that
you are threatened by her feelings or she gets the message that you don't
care to understand her feelings. The child picks up on your attitude and
learns that expressing or even having feelings is not okay. The child decides
that the feelings that accompany the ups and downs of her daily life are not
worthwhile. In a child's logic, if her feelings are not worthwhile, she is
not worthwhile. If this unfeeling pattern repeats itself over and over, the
child quickly learns both to suppress the feelings and especially to hide
them from her parents.
Even more devastating than being
uncaring is responding to a child's feelings with anger messages, "I
don't want to hear any more bellowing about that stupid fish!" The fear
of parents' reactions to her feelings turns a child into a feeling stuffer.
on the positive side, picture
what happens when a child feels free to express herself and a parent accepts
her feelings. Consider this example: "Daddy, the necklace Grandma gave
me for my birthday broke." Dad stops what he is doing and focuses on his
child, looking into her eyes and placing his hand around her shoulder. He
says, "I'm sorry. That was such a special necklace." Both his
verbal and his body language convey: "I am available to you; your
feelings are important to me. You are important to me." His reaction
frees the child to tell him more about her feelings and to work through them
by talking to him. Instead of retreating into her shell or erupting into a
tantrum, she has been given a way to express her sorrow. And he has boosted
her self-worth by accepting her feelings, which are a reflection of herself.
DO YOU OWE YOUR CHILD
SELF-ESTEEM?
Parents may misunderstand the
meaning of self-esteem and feel that this is just one more thing they are
required to give their child along with regular meals and a warm winter
jacket. They guard against anything that may undercut self-esteem – to the
point where it becomes ridiculous. ("oh, Billy, you don't really sing
flat. You're just tonally challenged.") They measure self-esteem daily,
as one might take a temperature. ("Julie's self-esteem is low today. Her
big brother beat her at checkers last night.")
Every infant whose needs are met
has self-esteem built in. Like an arborist caring for a tree, your job is to
nurture what's there, do what you can to structure your child's environment
so that she grows strong and straight, and avoid whittling away at the tender
branches. You can't build your child's self- esteem compliment by compliment,
activity by activity. Parents are already overloaded with guilt because they
may not be doing enough to foster their child's self-worth. You don't need a
degree in psychology to raise a confident child. Much of parenting is easy
and fun. Hold your baby a lot, respond sensitively to her needs, enjoy your
baby. Then sit back and enjoy the person whose self-esteem is developing
naturally.
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